Babyland

I feel so fortunate to be able to parent my baby the ways I've wanted to with little interference from others. And with insight from Husband, who is a very insightful sort of person. I've kind of bundled us into this Baby-Mama world and only occasionally emerge for fun things or if I haaave to. Husband doesn't always get to join us, either  (work, usually). I haven't been an awesome wife, sister or daughter but I've at least been a pretty good mom.

As he gets older, I'm getting more time to myself at nights (usually) and often have more energy to tackle things I didn't used to be able to. I'm also basically always really tired (often to the point where the bare necessities are hard but they've always been do-able). On the one hand, I want to do more sometimes (when I can). On the other hand, I still feel overwhelmed by stuff much of the time... so I'm still not beating myself up and I'm still counting myself very fortunate that I don't *have* to do more than I am doing... but I'm also trying to do more when I can...

Your Mom

No, wait. Mine. She and I have finally had a(n email) conversation. Turns out,  she's crazy stressed and upset right now (about things she wasn't telling me) so she's a bit less able to handle things. She still wants space but has, a few times, reminded me she loves me. Granted, one was basically "I can't believe how much you hate me and I don't want to interact with you, but I will always love you." The last one was much kinder, softer-toned and more loving.

I can't blame her for feeling overwhelmed. I was for several months. I think she wanted more interaction than I was capable of. I get where she's coming from and this time the space she needs feels less personal and permanent... I hope I'm right. Honestly... I think I've been looking at her as a person I need to parent and protect. She has told me not to, but also sort of made it clear she appreciates it... but it's patronizing and not particularly healthy sometimes, so maybe I can drop that and when we pick up again we can be in a healthier place. Here's hoping.

What's Next?

During the first few months after I had Baby, time I was not actively caring for him was either spent sleeping or hurriedly taking a shower. After a few months, I occasionally got an hour here or there and almost exclusively used it for housework, cutting hair, etc. Then, I started getting a little more time between when he went to bed and when I went to bed (often because I stay up too late...) and I started to get to watch TV shows again. Listen to books while cleaning. Spend time with Husband. I had a need for "me time" or to do things. At first, time without Baby was like a shock: I didn't know what to do with myself. Now, less of a shock, I am more likely to squander it goofing off while there's a pile of dishes in the sink... like... right now... >.> But I do spend a lot of the day cleaning and trying to keep up with things. I think of entertainment / goofing off as a different type of need, so I don't feel bad about it. Mostly...

At some point, I want to have a hobby or Thing I do more of. Right now, I guess it's reading / listening to books and that's nice enough for now. I am not in a huge rush so much as aware that it'd be nice. Also, Baby is old enough now that I think it's important he learn that my world does not actually (well... probably shouldn't?) completely revolve around him. I will still be there when he needs me and I will still provide for him, but he and I will get a little more time hanging with other people and/or I will do a few other things. Just... have to decide what they are... Blogging was the first thing and I still don't do that much. So... we'll see how it goes!

Nonviolent Words

At the start of each visit with my mom, she used to tell me some of her Sad Stories. She has many to tell. Sometimes, when I've tried to talk something out with her, she'd pull out her Sad Stories. In the latter scenario, I'm pretty sure she was trying to say "this hurts me. I've already hurt enough. Please don't hurt me anymore."

I've always felt I didn't respond the way she desperately needed someone to but I couldn't figure out what it was she wanted. I wanted to provide that for her—she seems to need it so badly! Once, I even asked her how I could help with that and what she needs when she tells me these stories (always stories I've heard many times). She said she didn't know. She hasn't told them to me since and I worry that she thinks I was telling her to stop rather than asking for genuine feedback/understanding. Part of me sort of was, but more of me would like to help her, if I can.

Recently, I read a book about empathizing with people out loud any chance you get. I want to try really hard to empathize with her. To hear what she must have felt at the time the thing happened or what she still feels when she remembers it and just see what happens. Would it provide a salve to some deep inner wound? I imagine it being like a teeny salve on an enormous wound... I don't think it would Fix anything... but I wonder if that *is* what she's seeking and if it might help a little... Maybe if we did it every day for a week (if I wasn't too bad at it... I might be... :/ )

She stopped talking to me recently. She doesn't like how I parent, but to her credit has mostly been good at holding her tongue, until she got to her breaking point and now she just Can't Even with me. Part of me is glad to have less stress about answering her messages quickly enough and getting told I'm Doing Things Wrong (usually picture taking because, again to her credit, she's not usually telling me how to parent even when she really wants to). More of me misses talking to her every day and feels bad because I think the reason she cut off contact is that I'm often busy. She and I were planning a trip for her to come out here and I wasn't being good at making it happen or getting back to her (I wasn't playing go between for her and my brother because I don't have the time/energy/memory for that right now...). She cut things off right before the time we needed to make the plans by and now that weekend has come and gone.

I think she feels hurt and I'd like to try to connect with her... but I don't know how to approach her or if it's even a good idea yet. Anyway, I think the emphatic listening will be key here, too... if I can figure out how.

People That Tell Me Who I Am

My parents, siblings and close friends. When I miss people, it's not just their presence, their smiles and sense of humor, but the way my life is and the way I am when they're around. When I visit with friends and family, I feel more complete. I remember some piece of who I am that I otherwise forget. It's not that they tell me who I should be, though some do try. It's that they remind me of the different facets of who I am.

I had a whole post in my head for this at one point, then was interrupted with Mom Duties. But you know what, I like short posts and this works. I miss my village; The End

Naps for Baby are tricky because he's teething (sleeps poorly) and his naps are transitioning from 3 to 2. He never takes a long nap, either, so if he misses one he just has to go to bed early (like 6:30pm early). When I get him to bed early on those days, he wakes up after 6:30am, which is good. When I don't... especially if it's been too long between last nap and bed time, then he gets night terrors (which are heart breaking) AND wakes up between 5 and 5:30am. That's rough on both of us, so I try really hard to get him to bed on time or at least not too far from it. Didn't happen last night, but I was closer tonight (though still probably too late). He had a little mini nightmare before I put him down for the night... I'm hoping that is not a sign of things to come and maybe that's all the night terror he's going to have.


Tonight, I'm hoping I can get some food ready for tomorrow and have a shower before I need to be in bed. I've got about an hour left and won't be able to shower until roughly my bed time because it's easiest/best to do right after feeding Baby and he probably won't eat again until my bed time. I'm listening to a favorite movie while I get things done. Today feels better than last in a few ways so far. I've already gotten more done AND gotten Baby to bed a little closer to when he needed it. So... here's hoping.

Still getting used to both not having alone time and also when I do. I always have a To Do list. If I'm not too tired after Baby's asleep, I try to get things done in order of descending priority. Often, I forget most of them or get busy and run out of time (it's one of those jobs where there are a lot of easy to forget/not see tasks). Tonight, I put laundry in the dryer (finally) and paid a bill. If I'm lucky, I can get a shower in before bed. Hopefully, I won't have to rush out halfway through my shower to rock him back to sleep again.

Fortunately, a friend is staying over for a few days and insisted on doing the dishes because the baby was having a rough day and needed to be held almost constantly. I love the extra baby time, but it means the dishes pile up and that gets stressful.

I feel lonely tonight. I'm really close to maybe 4 adult people (and Baby). If they are being distant or are otherwise engaged, I feel like I have no one to connect to. If the 2 I'm closest to are mad at me, I feel like there's something Wrong with me and I'm not good enough for them. I often feel like they get mad at me for things I don't understand or that are unfair.

I know I'm also extra sensitive because of sleep deprivation, physical exhaustion, barely keeping up with my caloric/vitamin needs and being new at parenting. I'm not Good at being a mom yet and that's hard on the ego. Especially when it feels like I could be if I just planned better (which is a thing I have been pretty great at in the past, so that's painful, too). One nice thing, though, is it's getting easier in some ways and I'm starting to realize I'm doing a pretty decent job, after all.

Plus, I'm getting used to the fact that nobody will ever agree with 100% of what I'm doing and 100% of what I'm doing will be Wrong at some point to someone. I just have to do my best and let everything else go. I wouldn't have been as quick to be ok with this if I had started parenting a decade ago. There are perks to being an older mom.

I'm trying to be more ok being alone more and less connected to people. I don't like that when people hurt my feelings and I feel they are being unjust there's this pressure to conform to what they want/need so I can go back to being super close to someone again. Maybe I just need to be more okay with not being super close to people all the time. Maybe if I am more okay by myself I won't need that so much and I can not only argue for myself better, but because I'd be less desperate, maybe it'd work out better for all of us. That's what I'm going to focus on tonight.

It's nice to remember how beautiful alone time can be. It's nice when everyone else is in bed at night. The world feels soft and cozy and the lights are lovely. Goodnight, blog friends.

Bedtime was half an hour ago

And I so desperately needed to get to bed on time or early tonight. Instead, I'm having a bit of a hard night. I haven't been eating often enough (possibly not enough in general). The baby is starting to need solid foods more often now so I need to work that into the schedule, which already feels like a lot. It seems as soon as I get us out and do something he can enjoy, he's ready to eat and fall back to sleep again. And if I miss that (sleepiness) window by too much he's over tired and won't sleep well the rest of the night, then wakes up at 4am the next day, etc. It's just not worth letting him miss his nap window by too much.

And now my mom is not speaking to me because she's afraid of how I'm feeding him solids. I've researched this method and it has proven no more likely for the babies doing it to choke. In fact, they may be less likely to after 3 months and we're 2 months in! She thinks she's Making a Point by threatening to disown me. Intellectually, I realize that she's Really Scared and wants me to know how scared she is. Viscerally, it's just another way she's telling me she won't have anything to do with me if I don't do things her way. Whether it's because she's scared or mad, it doesn't matter because the message is the same. I already can't ask her for help or even just vent about spousal things or talk to her about baby things because she dislikes Husband and everything I'm doing with the baby she's sure is Wrong and most of it she's sure will kill him. Hence, the disowning thing.

It's time for me to just go to bed. Goodnight, folks. Here's hoping I can catch at least one nap with the baby tomorrow... Gods know I need it...

It's the future!

I'm about 12 years older. I have a baby. I was a programmer for a while. The more I got to design and program the more I loved the job. The more I had to use crappy, poorly-documented code and broken builds the more I hated it. Overall, I'd do it again in a heartbeat but not until the baby is older. I have the option to stay home with him indefinitely and, although it is exhausting work, I love every minute of it. I used to think people just said that so they didn't feel bad about how hard it is, but it's totally true. I love it. What can I say, I'm a sucker for hard work and, now, babies. Or at least mine.

Speaking of the new gig, that's part of why I haven't started writing again and part of why I need this. I have just gotten to where I now have 1-3 hours without the baby (or anyone else, usually) at night. It can be a time of reflection and writing helps me make the most of that, so here I am.

When my son was born, I lost my false sense of security. You know, the feeling like bad things don't just happen to us out of the blue. It's an important thing to have and it's really hard to live without, though it is untrue and undeserved. Bad things happen out of the blue all the time to perfectly wonderful people. For a few months there, my OCD went a bit overboard: regaling me with all the horrible things that, because I could imagine them, necessarily must be bound to happen to my new baby, myself and/or my husband. That if I left my baby for any reason, Terrible Things that only I could have prevented were going to happen to him. Fortunately, I knew this wasn't True and I still got breaks for things like showering, using the bathroom and sometimes to eat without the baby on me. The baby parts were beautiful and the scary brain parts were a special kind of hell that I'm glad only lasted a couple months. It was exhausting. As if having a new baby isn't exhausting enough. I'm sure a lot of the heightened OCD was just sleep deprivation. I still don't sleep much, but enough to be much more functional and enough to keep my OCD back to very functional mostly-non-existent levels again. Well, it's nearly my new much-earlier bedtime and if I don't observe it I will be One Tired Mama. And that makes for a boring mama. My baby deserves better than that. Plus, I've got a fairly solid start on this blogging thing again. I hope I can reconnect with some old friends around here and maybe make some new ones. :)

Back to the world of blogging

It's been a good 10 years since I was an active blogger. I was in my early to mid 20s. Cute, young, recently married, still bitter at the religion I'd recently left and working through anger at how a few things went as I was growing up. Along with various political rants.

I imagine this blog will be similarly ranty, but I intend to just write and see how it goes. No promises of pretty much anything about it. Except that it's me and I'm back. I thought I missed writing a year ago but found myself too busy or uninterested to write. I would sit down and want to write but couldn't think of what, when or how. I felt something bubbling up inside of me. (Metaphorically, though there was also a fetus doing his share of moving around, too!)

I'm in my mid to late 30s now. A new(ish) mom to an infant. When my mom was my age, I was in high school and she was not an especially young mom... so I guess that makes me an old mom. I did have a "geriatric pregnancy" according to the medical community—who are terrible at naming women related health topics. I'm in my 30s, not my 70s. "Geriatric" feels a bit exaggerated...

In any case, welcome to my new blog. I'm a new person with a new life and this is where I plan to talk about it.