Nonviolent Words

At the start of each visit with my mom, she used to tell me some of her Sad Stories. She has many to tell. Sometimes, when I've tried to talk something out with her, she'd pull out her Sad Stories. In the latter scenario, I'm pretty sure she was trying to say "this hurts me. I've already hurt enough. Please don't hurt me anymore."

I've always felt I didn't respond the way she desperately needed someone to but I couldn't figure out what it was she wanted. I wanted to provide that for her—she seems to need it so badly! Once, I even asked her how I could help with that and what she needs when she tells me these stories (always stories I've heard many times). She said she didn't know. She hasn't told them to me since and I worry that she thinks I was telling her to stop rather than asking for genuine feedback/understanding. Part of me sort of was, but more of me would like to help her, if I can.

Recently, I read a book about empathizing with people out loud any chance you get. I want to try really hard to empathize with her. To hear what she must have felt at the time the thing happened or what she still feels when she remembers it and just see what happens. Would it provide a salve to some deep inner wound? I imagine it being like a teeny salve on an enormous wound... I don't think it would Fix anything... but I wonder if that *is* what she's seeking and if it might help a little... Maybe if we did it every day for a week (if I wasn't too bad at it... I might be... :/ )

She stopped talking to me recently. She doesn't like how I parent, but to her credit has mostly been good at holding her tongue, until she got to her breaking point and now she just Can't Even with me. Part of me is glad to have less stress about answering her messages quickly enough and getting told I'm Doing Things Wrong (usually picture taking because, again to her credit, she's not usually telling me how to parent even when she really wants to). More of me misses talking to her every day and feels bad because I think the reason she cut off contact is that I'm often busy. She and I were planning a trip for her to come out here and I wasn't being good at making it happen or getting back to her (I wasn't playing go between for her and my brother because I don't have the time/energy/memory for that right now...). She cut things off right before the time we needed to make the plans by and now that weekend has come and gone.

I think she feels hurt and I'd like to try to connect with her... but I don't know how to approach her or if it's even a good idea yet. Anyway, I think the emphatic listening will be key here, too... if I can figure out how.