Still getting used to both not having alone time and also when I do. I always have a To Do list. If I'm not too tired after Baby's asleep, I try to get things done in order of descending priority. Often, I forget most of them or get busy and run out of time (it's one of those jobs where there are a lot of easy to forget/not see tasks). Tonight, I put laundry in the dryer (finally) and paid a bill. If I'm lucky, I can get a shower in before bed. Hopefully, I won't have to rush out halfway through my shower to rock him back to sleep again.

Fortunately, a friend is staying over for a few days and insisted on doing the dishes because the baby was having a rough day and needed to be held almost constantly. I love the extra baby time, but it means the dishes pile up and that gets stressful.

I feel lonely tonight. I'm really close to maybe 4 adult people (and Baby). If they are being distant or are otherwise engaged, I feel like I have no one to connect to. If the 2 I'm closest to are mad at me, I feel like there's something Wrong with me and I'm not good enough for them. I often feel like they get mad at me for things I don't understand or that are unfair.

I know I'm also extra sensitive because of sleep deprivation, physical exhaustion, barely keeping up with my caloric/vitamin needs and being new at parenting. I'm not Good at being a mom yet and that's hard on the ego. Especially when it feels like I could be if I just planned better (which is a thing I have been pretty great at in the past, so that's painful, too). One nice thing, though, is it's getting easier in some ways and I'm starting to realize I'm doing a pretty decent job, after all.

Plus, I'm getting used to the fact that nobody will ever agree with 100% of what I'm doing and 100% of what I'm doing will be Wrong at some point to someone. I just have to do my best and let everything else go. I wouldn't have been as quick to be ok with this if I had started parenting a decade ago. There are perks to being an older mom.

I'm trying to be more ok being alone more and less connected to people. I don't like that when people hurt my feelings and I feel they are being unjust there's this pressure to conform to what they want/need so I can go back to being super close to someone again. Maybe I just need to be more okay with not being super close to people all the time. Maybe if I am more okay by myself I won't need that so much and I can not only argue for myself better, but because I'd be less desperate, maybe it'd work out better for all of us. That's what I'm going to focus on tonight.

It's nice to remember how beautiful alone time can be. It's nice when everyone else is in bed at night. The world feels soft and cozy and the lights are lovely. Goodnight, blog friends.