Life is Great and Also Sucks

I need a place that isn't Facebook. Something that's a little more... anonymous or less so but more locked down. I'm going to make my own blog where my friends and I can all write together. It won't be the same. At this point, it may not even be pretty but I need it so badly I can hardly stand it. So... that. As soon as I can... and this, in the meantime.

 

It's interesting to read back on my last post, in 2019... before The Pandemic really affected me directly. I was lonely and seeking adult connection and romance. I'm glad I can't go back and tell her it would only get much worse for the next year and a half, maybe just barely two years, before things started looking up. Before she moved back to College Town, which is a change she wouldn't see coming. It's been a good one, but I don't know if she could see that then. She might need to get more isolated first to appreciate it... in any case, perhaps that knowledge wouldn't help. Or maybe she could come up with a better solution. Since I still can't, that seems unlikely, but who knows.

I'm glad I can't warn her that she and L are going to get about thisclose to divorce before things start really looking up. I *would* tell her that she's going to get a shrink and that's going to help. A lot at first but a little bit for a long time... she may need to break up with the shrink and find someone she connects with more deeply but... right now, I'm looking for more and better ways to connect with the people I know well. That is a much older and more pressing need, I think.

 

And there's a longing. A longing for belonging. For answers to the universe. A need to process some of the things going on or that have gone on.... A longing for magic. I wish I could act or be part of some bigger something. Something special. Something that other people see and are impressed with. Something that requires getting to know other people more deeply and more often. I think little l and I will be so happy to do that together. Hell, possibly as a whole family, some day... but not while the pandemic continues to rage on... I want it to calm the fuck down soon anyway. That can't happen soon enough. We all have so much to heal from. 

 

And I want a place that's safer/better for Climate Change reasons. Having family and friends around is a type of safe/good that way. Maybe that overrides the things I'm concerned about. I hope it at least does for now.

I hope you're well, whoever you are.

It's been half a year... so that's how that went...

For the first time in months, tonight, I am craving romance. Buut... the dishes have to get done and I have to be ready enough for the day tomorrow... (and the ants will take over the kitchen if I leave it too messy...).

I'm sick of always sacrificing sleep so I'm working to do less of that... which means I just don't have much time left. I need to go to bed right now, actually, so I'm already running a little late but i really need this tonight. I need something. Connection to people I'm close to. Well, I'm really only close to little L, so I guess I want to be emotionally closer to more of the people I love. Lately, I've been emailing one of my best friends when I feel this way and it's been awesome but tonight... I need to talk to myself. Well, The Void. The Void which I know I've told a few friends about and I'm half hoping they've forgotten since I never update it anyway... but it'd be ok if they didn't.

Plus, to be honest, L and I are not very close and that makes it hard to want to be romantic. We sit next to each other on the couch, when we have time to. Usually he's working or using the internet and I'm watching something or using the internet. I try to make it clear I'm willing to turn mine off if we can interact but he seems uninterested. He's always willing to give me a back rub if he has the time/energy and I think we could talk and be friends... but I suspect the reason we so rarely do is that he, like me, feels like the person he's talking to gets hurt really easily and is hard to talk to.

We just need to talk sports or... solve some not-too-dire political problem. You know, how you Solve the World's Problems with your friends in your spare time? Like, if you were suddenly Emperor of The World you would implement certain ideas that would Fix some Problem(s). Even though... that's probably not true... sometimes it's nice to think about them that way. I think out loud...

That's part of why I need a blog. Really, I need a diary. A blog is probably a terrible idea because I'm letting out too-intimate details on the internet and they're probably too easy to find... but my hands and wrists don't write like they used to... and there's something comforting about knowing someone might actually read this.

I feel silly to have a lover close by and yet feel sorry for myself and my lack of romance. I know I could have it worse, but that's what tonight is for me. Maybe I'll be feeling romantic again soon and maybe we'll be Real Friends again soon. I just don't totally know how to get there and I feel like he's not really interested, anyway. But I have faith in him and in us that he is and I just haven't figured it out yet. That seems likely given my past experiences with him and in our relationship.

Babyland

I feel so fortunate to be able to parent my baby the ways I've wanted to with little interference from others. And with insight from Husband, who is a very insightful sort of person. I've kind of bundled us into this Baby-Mama world and only occasionally emerge for fun things or if I haaave to. Husband doesn't always get to join us, either  (work, usually). I haven't been an awesome wife, sister or daughter but I've at least been a pretty good mom.

As he gets older, I'm getting more time to myself at nights (usually) and often have more energy to tackle things I didn't used to be able to. I'm also basically always really tired (often to the point where the bare necessities are hard but they've always been do-able). On the one hand, I want to do more sometimes (when I can). On the other hand, I still feel overwhelmed by stuff much of the time... so I'm still not beating myself up and I'm still counting myself very fortunate that I don't *have* to do more than I am doing... but I'm also trying to do more when I can...

Your Mom

No, wait. Mine. She and I have finally had a(n email) conversation. Turns out,  she's crazy stressed and upset right now (about things she wasn't telling me) so she's a bit less able to handle things. She still wants space but has, a few times, reminded me she loves me. Granted, one was basically "I can't believe how much you hate me and I don't want to interact with you, but I will always love you." The last one was much kinder, softer-toned and more loving.

I can't blame her for feeling overwhelmed. I was for several months. I think she wanted more interaction than I was capable of. I get where she's coming from and this time the space she needs feels less personal and permanent... I hope I'm right. Honestly... I think I've been looking at her as a person I need to parent and protect. She has told me not to, but also sort of made it clear she appreciates it... but it's patronizing and not particularly healthy sometimes, so maybe I can drop that and when we pick up again we can be in a healthier place. Here's hoping.

What's Next?

During the first few months after I had Baby, time I was not actively caring for him was either spent sleeping or hurriedly taking a shower. After a few months, I occasionally got an hour here or there and almost exclusively used it for housework, cutting hair, etc. Then, I started getting a little more time between when he went to bed and when I went to bed (often because I stay up too late...) and I started to get to watch TV shows again. Listen to books while cleaning. Spend time with Husband. I had a need for "me time" or to do things. At first, time without Baby was like a shock: I didn't know what to do with myself. Now, less of a shock, I am more likely to squander it goofing off while there's a pile of dishes in the sink... like... right now... >.> But I do spend a lot of the day cleaning and trying to keep up with things. I think of entertainment / goofing off as a different type of need, so I don't feel bad about it. Mostly...

At some point, I want to have a hobby or Thing I do more of. Right now, I guess it's reading / listening to books and that's nice enough for now. I am not in a huge rush so much as aware that it'd be nice. Also, Baby is old enough now that I think it's important he learn that my world does not actually (well... probably shouldn't?) completely revolve around him. I will still be there when he needs me and I will still provide for him, but he and I will get a little more time hanging with other people and/or I will do a few other things. Just... have to decide what they are... Blogging was the first thing and I still don't do that much. So... we'll see how it goes!

Nonviolent Words

At the start of each visit with my mom, she used to tell me some of her Sad Stories. She has many to tell. Sometimes, when I've tried to talk something out with her, she'd pull out her Sad Stories. In the latter scenario, I'm pretty sure she was trying to say "this hurts me. I've already hurt enough. Please don't hurt me anymore."

I've always felt I didn't respond the way she desperately needed someone to but I couldn't figure out what it was she wanted. I wanted to provide that for her—she seems to need it so badly! Once, I even asked her how I could help with that and what she needs when she tells me these stories (always stories I've heard many times). She said she didn't know. She hasn't told them to me since and I worry that she thinks I was telling her to stop rather than asking for genuine feedback/understanding. Part of me sort of was, but more of me would like to help her, if I can.

Recently, I read a book about empathizing with people out loud any chance you get. I want to try really hard to empathize with her. To hear what she must have felt at the time the thing happened or what she still feels when she remembers it and just see what happens. Would it provide a salve to some deep inner wound? I imagine it being like a teeny salve on an enormous wound... I don't think it would Fix anything... but I wonder if that *is* what she's seeking and if it might help a little... Maybe if we did it every day for a week (if I wasn't too bad at it... I might be... :/ )

She stopped talking to me recently. She doesn't like how I parent, but to her credit has mostly been good at holding her tongue, until she got to her breaking point and now she just Can't Even with me. Part of me is glad to have less stress about answering her messages quickly enough and getting told I'm Doing Things Wrong (usually picture taking because, again to her credit, she's not usually telling me how to parent even when she really wants to). More of me misses talking to her every day and feels bad because I think the reason she cut off contact is that I'm often busy. She and I were planning a trip for her to come out here and I wasn't being good at making it happen or getting back to her (I wasn't playing go between for her and my brother because I don't have the time/energy/memory for that right now...). She cut things off right before the time we needed to make the plans by and now that weekend has come and gone.

I think she feels hurt and I'd like to try to connect with her... but I don't know how to approach her or if it's even a good idea yet. Anyway, I think the emphatic listening will be key here, too... if I can figure out how.

People That Tell Me Who I Am

My parents, siblings and close friends. When I miss people, it's not just their presence, their smiles and sense of humor, but the way my life is and the way I am when they're around. When I visit with friends and family, I feel more complete. I remember some piece of who I am that I otherwise forget. It's not that they tell me who I should be, though some do try. It's that they remind me of the different facets of who I am.

I had a whole post in my head for this at one point, then was interrupted with Mom Duties. But you know what, I like short posts and this works. I miss my village; The End