Your Mom

No, wait. Mine. She and I have finally had a(n email) conversation. Turns out,  she's crazy stressed and upset right now (about things she wasn't telling me) so she's a bit less able to handle things. She still wants space but has, a few times, reminded me she loves me. Granted, one was basically "I can't believe how much you hate me and I don't want to interact with you, but I will always love you." The last one was much kinder, softer-toned and more loving.

I can't blame her for feeling overwhelmed. I was for several months. I think she wanted more interaction than I was capable of. I get where she's coming from and this time the space she needs feels less personal and permanent... I hope I'm right. Honestly... I think I've been looking at her as a person I need to parent and protect. She has told me not to, but also sort of made it clear she appreciates it... but it's patronizing and not particularly healthy sometimes, so maybe I can drop that and when we pick up again we can be in a healthier place. Here's hoping.

What's Next?

During the first few months after I had Baby, time I was not actively caring for him was either spent sleeping or hurriedly taking a shower. After a few months, I occasionally got an hour here or there and almost exclusively used it for housework, cutting hair, etc. Then, I started getting a little more time between when he went to bed and when I went to bed (often because I stay up too late...) and I started to get to watch TV shows again. Listen to books while cleaning. Spend time with Husband. I had a need for "me time" or to do things. At first, time without Baby was like a shock: I didn't know what to do with myself. Now, less of a shock, I am more likely to squander it goofing off while there's a pile of dishes in the sink... like... right now... >.> But I do spend a lot of the day cleaning and trying to keep up with things. I think of entertainment / goofing off as a different type of need, so I don't feel bad about it. Mostly...

At some point, I want to have a hobby or Thing I do more of. Right now, I guess it's reading / listening to books and that's nice enough for now. I am not in a huge rush so much as aware that it'd be nice. Also, Baby is old enough now that I think it's important he learn that my world does not actually (well... probably shouldn't?) completely revolve around him. I will still be there when he needs me and I will still provide for him, but he and I will get a little more time hanging with other people and/or I will do a few other things. Just... have to decide what they are... Blogging was the first thing and I still don't do that much. So... we'll see how it goes!

Nonviolent Words

At the start of each visit with my mom, she used to tell me some of her Sad Stories. She has many to tell. Sometimes, when I've tried to talk something out with her, she'd pull out her Sad Stories. In the latter scenario, I'm pretty sure she was trying to say "this hurts me. I've already hurt enough. Please don't hurt me anymore."

I've always felt I didn't respond the way she desperately needed someone to but I couldn't figure out what it was she wanted. I wanted to provide that for her—she seems to need it so badly! Once, I even asked her how I could help with that and what she needs when she tells me these stories (always stories I've heard many times). She said she didn't know. She hasn't told them to me since and I worry that she thinks I was telling her to stop rather than asking for genuine feedback/understanding. Part of me sort of was, but more of me would like to help her, if I can.

Recently, I read a book about empathizing with people out loud any chance you get. I want to try really hard to empathize with her. To hear what she must have felt at the time the thing happened or what she still feels when she remembers it and just see what happens. Would it provide a salve to some deep inner wound? I imagine it being like a teeny salve on an enormous wound... I don't think it would Fix anything... but I wonder if that *is* what she's seeking and if it might help a little... Maybe if we did it every day for a week (if I wasn't too bad at it... I might be... :/ )

She stopped talking to me recently. She doesn't like how I parent, but to her credit has mostly been good at holding her tongue, until she got to her breaking point and now she just Can't Even with me. Part of me is glad to have less stress about answering her messages quickly enough and getting told I'm Doing Things Wrong (usually picture taking because, again to her credit, she's not usually telling me how to parent even when she really wants to). More of me misses talking to her every day and feels bad because I think the reason she cut off contact is that I'm often busy. She and I were planning a trip for her to come out here and I wasn't being good at making it happen or getting back to her (I wasn't playing go between for her and my brother because I don't have the time/energy/memory for that right now...). She cut things off right before the time we needed to make the plans by and now that weekend has come and gone.

I think she feels hurt and I'd like to try to connect with her... but I don't know how to approach her or if it's even a good idea yet. Anyway, I think the emphatic listening will be key here, too... if I can figure out how.