It's been half a year... so that's how that went...

For the first time in months, tonight, I am craving romance. Buut... the dishes have to get done and I have to be ready enough for the day tomorrow... (and the ants will take over the kitchen if I leave it too messy...).

I'm sick of always sacrificing sleep so I'm working to do less of that... which means I just don't have much time left. I need to go to bed right now, actually, so I'm already running a little late but i really need this tonight. I need something. Connection to people I'm close to. Well, I'm really only close to little L, so I guess I want to be emotionally closer to more of the people I love. Lately, I've been emailing one of my best friends when I feel this way and it's been awesome but tonight... I need to talk to myself. Well, The Void. The Void which I know I've told a few friends about and I'm half hoping they've forgotten since I never update it anyway... but it'd be ok if they didn't.

Plus, to be honest, L and I are not very close and that makes it hard to want to be romantic. We sit next to each other on the couch, when we have time to. Usually he's working or using the internet and I'm watching something or using the internet. I try to make it clear I'm willing to turn mine off if we can interact but he seems uninterested. He's always willing to give me a back rub if he has the time/energy and I think we could talk and be friends... but I suspect the reason we so rarely do is that he, like me, feels like the person he's talking to gets hurt really easily and is hard to talk to.

We just need to talk sports or... solve some not-too-dire political problem. You know, how you Solve the World's Problems with your friends in your spare time? Like, if you were suddenly Emperor of The World you would implement certain ideas that would Fix some Problem(s). Even though... that's probably not true... sometimes it's nice to think about them that way. I think out loud...

That's part of why I need a blog. Really, I need a diary. A blog is probably a terrible idea because I'm letting out too-intimate details on the internet and they're probably too easy to find... but my hands and wrists don't write like they used to... and there's something comforting about knowing someone might actually read this.

I feel silly to have a lover close by and yet feel sorry for myself and my lack of romance. I know I could have it worse, but that's what tonight is for me. Maybe I'll be feeling romantic again soon and maybe we'll be Real Friends again soon. I just don't totally know how to get there and I feel like he's not really interested, anyway. But I have faith in him and in us that he is and I just haven't figured it out yet. That seems likely given my past experiences with him and in our relationship.